You know: in a foolish, undiscriminating way, I've been happy these last few months. I don't know why. I just am. I love my friends; I love my pupils; I love what I read; I -- dammit -- love my thoughts. I love the taste of oranges.
Thornton Wilder in a letter to Gertrude Stein, Aug 14, 1936

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


My two cats get canned food every Sunday, and I only buy them Fancy Feast. When I pick up a month or two supply, I always spend a mesmerized moment in the pet store, overwhelmed by the over fifty varieties on offer. On any single trip, I never buy two of the same kind. I go for a balance of fish, mammal, and poultry and make sure that I mix grilled, flaked, minced, and chunky varieties.

Some of the choices sound like either questionable or poorly translated items on a Chinese menu. Gravy Lovers Salmon Feast in Seared Salmon Flavored Gravy. Sliced Chicken Hears and Liver Feast in Gravy. Flaked Chicken and Tuna Feast. Flaked Tuna and Mackerel Feast.

I had a problem with that last one. The orange cat picked around the mackerel but fortunately the gray cat wolfed it down,

Actually that's not true. They eat any and all of it. They could care less about the ingredients. They like it because its meat and its soft. The only thing I notice that they really do prefer is the gravy. It must be fun to lick.

Those varieties are for me, not the animals. With that in mind, I have submitted some ideas for new, cat-centric entrees for the folks at Fancy Feast.

1) Sparrow Guts and Roach Bits Feast in Gravy.

2) Baby Gecko Feast, Grilled in Gravy

3) Duck Pate Meant for Dinner Guests But Left Unattended on the Counter Feast

4) Compressed Crane Flies with Envelope Glue Feast.

I could go on, but now it's time for you to make up your own. I'm off to collect more crane flies.


  1. Mangled Mouse with Other Cat Vomit Gravy

  2. Rare (uncooked) rat torso with bermuda grass garnish

  3. The uncommon rat torsonis good, too!